December 1, 2015
This morning began my journey through Goddess Initiation by Francesca De Grandis. The book is an outlined Celtic Faerie Shaman training program lasting 13 months. I'm doing it along with my Goddess Glow Mentorship Program group.
Over the years this book has almost called out to me from various bookshelves, libraries, and shops, but this is the first time I've really connected with it enough to make a commitment. And it just so happened that I found it again just before December. So beginning today, I'm on what feels like a gentle, lovely roller coaster ride that will take me through right into 2017, with a neat little bow wrapped around the end of December, next year. Perfect.
(And my self-doubt says, "Let's see if I do the whole thing." Breathe. Straighten the shoulders. Keep going.)
Without giving too much of what is going on in the book away (half-complete information acted upon often gets shoddy results,) I'll share here that this day, the first day of the first month of my training, began with a pre-dawn ritual. My intention was to begin last night, at the end of last month, but I just ran out of steam after dark and fell into bed, not at all in a space to set up a ritual, do it, then write down what happened afterward. I could barely drag myself up to brush my teeth and wash my face before I fell deeply into REM cycling. (That pre-bed teeth and face ritual, the same one I do as soon as I wake up in the morning, is something I never skimp on. It consists of flossing, tongue scraping, then brushing well, followed by 2 rounds of face washing with Dr. Bronner's soap and very hot water, and finally a round of "washing" with coconut oil - scrubbing it into my face as if it's soap, then rinsing it off 30 times with hot water. Next is towel scrubbing my face dry to remove all of the dead skin and toxins the oil has dissolved and lifted out, and finally applying a coating of good quality Vitamin E oil that soaks in over the next 10-15 minutes. Even though my skin is combination and has never liked oil much until recent months and this specific practice, now I don't wear a stitch of makeup for the first time in my life other than the occasional tinted lip balm and you'd swear I had base and concealer on almost always... Good deal. I know I digress but I wanted to share...)
Back to the ritual. Only one star was left shining in my section of windowed sky as the sun's light started to fade black into a dusky blue. I gazed at it, letting my eyes relax, the twinkling soft white light moving deep into my brain, my love next to me sleepily resting his hand on my heart as he snuggled in closer, still mostly dreaming. I rested one hand on his and the other on his elbow absent mindedly during the ritual (afterward, he told me that he felt intense, sweet, loving energy buzzing through his arm and suffusing his being with a sense of feeling very loved - he didn't know at the time that I was doing a ritual at all... I love confirmations like these.)
I allowed myself to think, after I felt connected to the star, about the "block" that I would most like to release right now.
My block was about shining. I have traumas going back to childhood that have embedded deep within me the result of shining, feeling good about it, loving myself and those around me, and then learning that my act of shining had effects in my loved ones that hurt. That they felt triggered, angry, afraid, disempowered, jealous, unseen, etc. - the list goes on and on, and the "of course" truth is that any reaction like that has nothing to do with me ACTUALLY, but unkind words hurt anyway and, over the years, can lodge themselves pretty deep, creating scars that take further fluidity and courage into stagnant or constricted places where growth has a much harder time happening...
In my mind's eye, following De Grandis' directions on how to visualize the ritual, I saw my "block" flying towards the star. I realized that this star was no clump of dead, burning gas, but a living planet full of citizens shining just as brightly, emitting their own individual light that then combined to add to the light coming from the shining world they lived on.
My block was surprisingly (to me) shaped like Icarus, flying unevenly towards the star, lopsided, awkward, and clumsy as his wings started to melt, realizing too late that perhaps he hadn't thought things through as much as he could have, or should have...
The "kiss" outlined in the book that I was following (Goddess Initiation) was shown to me to be Icarus breaching the atmosphere of this star planet. As he broke through the firmament, everyone down below looked up to see his arrival, and a great greeting shout went up. Not like worship or any kind of lauding, nor any kind of competition or fear, but more like that jolly "Heyyyy!" that goes up when a much-loved person enters a party where everyone already there is glad to see them.
Icarus landed, and the shining ones on the ground gathered around him.
"You can fly?! That's so cool!"
"How do you do it?"
"Here are some things we know how to do."
"We'll show you."
And I zoomed back out, seeing on a macro level how the planet's trajectory of thought had been changed with this new addition of knowledge and skill...
The "gift" that I received here (as per the ritual's instructions) was an echoing voice in my head, affirming that
When you shine, you not only heal and teach/bless others, but you push along evolution.
That feels much nicer.