Pre-dawn Radiance Sutras.
This morning I woke up truly happy. It is a point of pride and intense focus for me that I heal quickly when troubles show up in my life. That I not spiritually bypass or pretend to be okay when I'm not, but that I instead fling myself headlong into a process of grieving, then mourning and truly letting go, finally blossoming into a growing stage where I learn how I've changed, how I've become more grounded, wise, embodied, and eventually even more joyful as a result of my heart's pain and stretching.
(I've been through heartbreak enough to learn my sequence and am kicking around the idea of teaching a Healing Heartbreak class, let me know if you're into it...)
In this most recent time of trial followed by healing, the whole experience reshuffling and refocusing what I thought my life would be over coming years, what I noticed more than ever before has been all of the S P A C E that I felt. So much of my inner world was taken up by my relationship and endless processing, of mine, my former partner's, and ours together as a couple... I'm a fan of getting to the bottom of things, but it had gotten unbalanced and unhealthy, overshadowing the rest of life, the joyful, free, expansive parts that are my true home, with something endlessly "wrong" that needed to be "fixed."
So when the relationship ended and my shackles exploded away from me, I noticed that as I grieved, mourned, and got used to the new pace of my life, I had soooo much empty space in my mind and heart!
At first this was uncomfortable... What was I supposed to DO with all of this space? I felt adrift and ungrounded for a couple of days, not connected to anything, formless...
But as I went through my stages of healing, I remembered pieces of myself that I had let go too much in the partnership, the "us" rather than the "I." (As women especially it's so easy to get lost in the "us" couple universe, forgetting that there is an entire rich world inside of each of us individually...)
So, one of my favorite stages of healing came next. Once I'd let go, gotten used to my new quieter, more solitary life, truly released all of the old arguments and pains that had killed the partnership, and focused back on my Here and Now moments, I asked myself that ancient, sacred question that brings it all back to center beautifully and powerfully.
Why am I here?
Not an ephemeral question of why WE are here as people, but why am I here? Personally? Uniquely?
What is it that keeps me in this place?
Why did I come?
What do I live for?
What is my POINT?
That answer was easy for me! And such a healing balm to my soul to remember.
I am here to:
- Create new stuff. Combine vibrations and energies to create new amazing things that this planet hasn't seen yet.
- Enjoy it here! See beautiful places, let my heart flow into them, and make love to this planet, endlessly.
- Connect and be a totem of intuition and the knowing of things unseen. That, I was born to do and that, I can't begin to stop doing.
After I remembered MY own unique reasons, I felt a joy and purpose suffuse my being. A purpose that has nothing to do with how many books I write, whether I pack out events or have a gazillion dollars in my bank account. A purpose that is fulfilled by my very existence and mindful focus in each moment. And that hasn't a thing to do with whether I find myself in partnership or not.